Well, it’s been grand.
Well, it’s been grand.
(I want to teach bi-lingual classrooms, and I can recognize words but can’t speak it fluently. Need to work on this one.)
2.Learn how to play the piano
(I’ve started this one, but I want to get better. The only problem is I want to be a concert pianist, like yesterday.)
3.Travel around the world
(North America and Jamaica are what I have so far. I loved going overseas even though I’m constantly afraid I’ll mess something up at the airport and get banned from flying anywhere since I’m such a klutz.)
4.Cook more than pancakes and soup
(Eat food from around the world. I just love food. I will eat anything and have the good luck to love almost everything)
5.Lead myself to Christ
(If this sounds weird, let me explain. I am a writer and poet, analytical, skeptical, and seeing every perspective under the sun. I tend to get atheistic in my doubts and fears, and I’d like to reach the point where I can truthfully say I don’t need to know the ‘why’ without feeling like I’m killing a piece of my brain.)
6.Write a collection of poetry
(Does anyone else imagine themselves as a happier version of Emily Dickinson or a younger, girlier John Lennon? No…..well neither do I………………. That would be weird.)
(Working on forgiving myself as God forgives me. Of course, having a sea of forgetfulness would speed up this process tremendously.)
(I want to love Christ so much my heart aches when I think about Him. Right now, He’s a pleasant thought, not even a crush. The dude died for me. I can at least show respect.)
9.Laugh 1,000+ times a day
(Not at lame jokes that tease or poke fun. Just find genuine humor in everyday situations)
10.Finish my screenplay
(Seriously, if this thing was written instead of on the computer, it would be covered in dust. Gotta crack it open)
11.Find my Identity in Christ
(Too tricky to explain in a small blurb. Might post about it later on.)
12.Invest in friends
(I tend to isolate myself with books. Reading is good, but being with people is the skill I need to learn.)
13.Read through the entire Bible
(Yeah, I know. Such a cliché Christian girl thing to do. Hey, clichés are clichés for a reason.)
14.Mentor a girl
(Investing in another person is the most challenging thing to do for someone who would rather read in the corner and spout sarcastic philosophy.)
15.Be published in an Honest-to-God newspaper
(This might be more of a pride thing as a writer than anything else.)
16.Discover my beauty
(Being a bookish nerd who loves John Hughes and Joss Whedon has done wonders for my quirky intelligence but not much in the area of outer beauty. It’s not the only thing that matters, but this is the first year, I haven’t ran away from nice clothes and makeup. I’m taking it for a twirl.)
17.Learn what being a lady looks like and become it
(I know what being a woman is, but I want to be the genteel, sweet lady that wouldn’t hurt anyone and knows how to cook a mean lasagna. No, I’m not anti-“women being smart” –hello nerd, anyone?- but I want to brush up on my feminine traits. )
18.Learn to ride a motorcycle
(Yeah, it may go against #17 but who cares?!? I’ll ride it on the days I feel angry or adventurous.)
So…..I date black women.
I missed you today. Sometimes, my heart feels so heavy without you. Then, I feel desperate, like I will strike out and do something stupid simply because you’re not here. I met with a crush today…..working with God on accepting it and how to handle it wisely. However, wisdom seldom accompanies the decisions my heart makes. A double-edged sword indeed.
I went back and looked at my old crushes. Darling, it is so interesting. Funny yet tainted with a bittersweet feeling that the person I like now is not you. He has another princess in mind, and I must quash these feelings before they get out of hand. It would be so much easier if you were here. When will you come?
In some ways, I wish you were here already. In others, I am sure that I am not yet ready or fit to meet you. I feel as if there are so many things I have to do to get ready for you; to make you proud of me and me worthy of you.
I wish, though, that I could see you. Hug you once and kiss you twice. On the forehead so you could remember me and know that I miss you as much, if not more, than I hope you miss me.
How’s your life? What’s it like there? Are you all you want to be? Does it hurt when you think about me? So many questions to ask. Yet, I am sure I shall forget them all when I meet you.
“Doubt may be dressed in intellectual thought, political treatises, or analytical theories, but at its naked core, doubt is an emotional reaction. Doubt of God is most often preceded by a seeming betrayal or abandonment by God.”
This is my first post where I honestly don’t know how to start. There are so many thoughts to put on one page, but I’ll try to make sense of the jumbled mess that is my mind. For the past few months, I’ve been living in Psalms, and for the last week, I settled down in Ecclesiastes and Job.
‘The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.’
Doubt has the ability to take this happy-go-lucky, optimistic, ‘flower child’ of a girl and turn her into the most despondent, pessimistic, weary person. I’m not saying you can’t be happy for God to ‘draw near to you’, but after this season, I’m convinced God has a special corner of His heart for those who are depressed.
I asked God in September for more of Him; more like demanded more of Him. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I was hopeful it was going to be awesome……….then came doubt. Expecting to hear from God, I started thinking I was waiting to hear from an imaginary friend. It wasn’t like the cold, analytical doubt that I had experienced in the past from intellect. This was something else. It made me lie awake at night wondering what I would do. It made me hate worshipping and feel silly praying. It made me think about my worth negatively. I actually understood what a friend had told me about committing suicide if God wasn’t real.
I generally believe God is cruel, but my pessimistic “reality” made me paint Him as pure evil.
What kind of God who knows everything still makes man and sets him in the world just so He can have His own personal cheerleading squad? So a few of them get caught up in abortions, slavery, trafficking, wars, and genocide? So what? I’ll just send my precious one and only son to die so that they’re indebted to me forever since He’s perfect. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll just send them to Hell, which may or may not be bloody torture. How could I be first person to see through this sadomasochistic nonsense?
It’s not something I boast about, but I view building walls as a safety measure. If you can keep people out, it doesn’t hurt when they leave. If you keep people out, you can make sure they don’t hurt you before they get around to it. You can choose who to let in certain parts of your soul. You learn that heartbreak can be prevented if no-one is close to your heart. Without thinking, I did the same with God. Assume He’s going to hurt me eventually and keep Him out. My pride doesn’t want to admit that I need anything or anyone. “The safest way to stay supreme in our own estimation is to deny anything above us.” –John Piper
Ecclesiastes 9: 2-3
“It is the same for all. There is one fate for the righteous and for the wicked; for the good, for the clean and for the unclean; for the man who offers a sacrifice and for the one who does not sacrifice. As the good man is, so is the sinner; as the swearer is, so is the one who is afraid to swear. This is an evil in all that is done under the sun, that there is one fate for all men. Furthermore, the hearts of the sons of men are full of evil and insanity is in their hearts throughout their lives.”
This verse brought to mind many of the hypothetical situations people brandish about to prove God is not loving. There are countless situations like these happening around the world, and I argued tirelessly with God.
•What about the baby that is born but dies an infant? Is it loving to send them to Hell?
•What about the person who can’t mentally process how to dress themselves, let alone God? Is it loving to send to send them to Hell?
•What about the child dying of starvation whose focus is on the next meal, let alone worshipping God? Is it loving to send them to Hell?
These situations get me riled up, because according to me, these people are innocent. How is it loving or even just to send the baby who didn’t even have a chance to sin to Hell? How is it loving or just to send the mentally handicapped person who doesn’t even know what the hell “sin” is to Hell? As for the child, well, Mr. I’m God and I know everything, that’s your fault for sending them into that situation in the world?
‘You’re looking at this wrong’-God
‘Gee thanks. Anything else you think you can contribute? Anything else you owe—Wait a minute.’
To the dictionary: Translation–Get your nerd glasses
1. To be indebted to the amount of
2. To have a moral obligation to render or offer
3. To be in debt to
4. To be indebted or obliged for
Is…God……. indebted to humanity? To me? Does God have a moral obligation to send every human to Heaven?
The only moral obligation God has is to Himself, and that moral obligation is to sentence all of humanity, including me, to Hell.
I could dress it up in churchy phrases like ‘My pride doesn’t like that’ or ‘my flesh hates that.’
If I’m being honest, I HATE that. I hate that I and everyone I know and love and everyone I don’t know and love deserve Hell simply for being human. Everyone on Earth; all of humanity deserves Hell. Not one of us deserves Heaven. It’s not like there are good people and bad people. It’s not like we’re all innocent until we tell our first lie or spread our first gossip or steal our first loaf. We don’t deserve Hell because of pornography or masturbation or rape or murder or homosexuality. If that we’re true, wouldn’t it be better if we all died before we “sinned our first sin?” Before we legitimately “deserved Hell?”
I deserve Hell because I’m inherently evil.
God doesn’t owe me anything.
Just some thoughts,
‘The Lord is good to those who wait on Him.’ –Lamentations 3:25
Today is a song, the plaintive melody echoing in the expanse of the somber autumn sky. It is a song made for tears and forehead kisses; a musical reminder of death and beauty.
Today, I feel like dressing up, just like the leaves are dressing up and dying a beautiful death.
Today, death has colored my thoughts and dreams a scarlet red. I tell my friends, it is the color of love I dream about rather than the color of blood. My blood. I dream of the day I die as others dream of the day they marry.
Today is a song, and my soul is singing the melancholy tune.
I want to be remembered for my smiles and my hugs, for brightening people’s days though I can never brighten mine. I have this feeling that people will remember the way I die more than the way I lived. Many people think I haven’t a care in the world because I’m always so damn happy.
When is a smile a mask? If you wish you were as happy as you seem, is the smile you wear a mask or a goal? Pessimistic reality battles my optimistic idealism each day, but lately it’s been different.
Reality is winning.
After all, we are all just funerals waiting to happen.
“I have been a Christian for most of my life. But there are times-an uncomfortable frequency of times, to be honest-when I’m not entirely sure I believe in God.”
Good little Christians are not supposed to have them. We are afraid of them. We squash them like they’re cockroaches scurrying across the floor of our soul. We worry they will bring down the property value of our faith.
I’ll let you in on a not-so-little secret. I have doubts. I am probably one of the most skeptical Christians you will ever meet. I can tear down the intellectual arguments many Christians have for God so easily. I remember reading Lee Strobel’s ‘A Case for A Creator’ at twelve and being so relieved to have scientific “proof” for what I believed. I also remember going through the same book when I was fourteen and disputing every argument raised in his book. What can I say? If you’re a twelve year old reading books like ‘War and Peace’ byTolstoy and ‘On the Origin of Species’ by Darwin, the Bible begins to look……hokey.
1) What if our religion and our longing for God is just the way our brains are wired? Could spirituality just be the product of chemistry or electrical impulses?
2) What if the atheists are right, and faith is just a crutch we’ve developed to give life meaning and mitigate the prospect of death?
Is there any real difference between the ancient religious stories of Judeo-Christianity and the folklore of, say, Norse or Greek mythology? Or even the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
3) Why do some Christian focus so much energy on policing the culture and so little on producing it?
4)If some Christians really have the gift of healing people, why are they putting on big conferences–and making the sick people come to them–rather than hanging out in hospitals and nursing homes?
5) What if I had been born into another culture and practiced another religion with complete devotion, would God still allow me to be tortured for eternity in Hell? Even though I was pursuing him, but through the wrong religious system?
I could go on and on. I haven’t asked any questions about HIV/AIDS, homosexuality, politics, the church’s response to the environment, poverty, etc…. I haven’t touched on the exclusivity of Christianity and why we sometimes have to explain away the verses that say Christ died to save everyone. I haven’t listed everything. That list is too long. Maybe you’ve asked some of these questions too. Maybe you’ve hidden them behind raised arms and closed eyes.
So, where do I go from here? Not on any other subject is my academic intellect and passionate emotions seemingly so deeply pitted against each other. So, what is faith? Hiding my (very real) doubts just isn’t feasible. I’m no expert on faith. Right now, faith looks like believing in God though my intellect and academia is telling me that a belief in God is foolish.
Just some thoughts,